One Moment At A Time

“That my complicated life could be made so simple was astounding.” 

— Cheryl Strayed

My thoughts were dark, when I asked Mother, “I am going to turn 30 next week. What have I done with my life, amma?” Mother nodded, and looked pensive. She was turning my question in her head. “I don’t know too,” she offered. I sighed.

Words were too tangled, emotions too loud. So, we shared a moment of silence.

After that brief conversation with Mother, the Eeyore in me reminded me of everything that went wrong in my life. Relationships which were sabotaged. Jobs which I ruined. Bank balance that laughed at me. Harrowing memories which raided my dreams. And a soul that was battered.

I saw the shards of my life; I let out a muffled cry.

Then Eeyore plonked himself in a corner. His eyes, which carried years and years of sadness, were trained on me, and posed a question quietly.

“What have you done at all?”

I wanted my room to swallow me. I wanted to sleep forever. I wanted to slip into the oblivion.

The ancient darkness slithered into my room. And I surrendered again.

*****

Today, I turn 30. Before I blew the candle out at 12 AM, I made a wish.

The darkness might always seem to inch toward me. But I desire to float in a pool of light all my life.

After all that life has shared with me, I realise that darkness cannot be dispelled. But, I have begun to try befriending the melancholy. To create space in my head, I tell the demons, “Fine! You all can be here. But allow me to collect the shards, and hold them against the light.”

The demons smile at me. Quite benignly. They are not that bad after all.

When they grin, and move aside a bit, I bask in light — the light that takes many forms.

Anu Boo’s wordless dialogues.

Father’s thoughtful messages on Whatsapp.

My pregnant bookshelf.

Mother’s dreams about my life.

Sister’s love-hate love.

The sea of sweat I shed after workouts.

My two-wheeled Calvin who loves the roads.

An insane, and ridiculously kind soul whom I call my home.

Friends who understand when I withdraw. Friends who bring me out of my burrow.

A non-judgemental journal, and an empty doodle-pad.

Butterflies, and feathers. Dead leaves, and fallen flowers.

Sun-tinged clouds, and starry skies.

Waves that rise and crash. Pebbles that sleep in my pocket.

And all the lucky charms that shield me.

Light. Light. Light

CaptureWhen they are tired of burning bright, the demons pirouette in my head. I watch their arrogant performance. They think that the darkness will stay young forever.

Just when their performance reaches its crescendo, a tiny spark flares up, driving away all the darkness with a humble ray of light. Then the demons rest, and tend to their tired feet.

Like a cat, I curl up in the light. I preen and purr.

That moment, I live for eternity.

That moment, I live for all the beings.

That moment, the scars smile.

That moment, the soul sings.

And that moment, the cosmos winks.

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12 thoughts on “One Moment At A Time

  1. What a lovely, honest, open post Deepika – but do spare a thought for we mothers whose daughters turn 30 (as mine did last month)! Wah! How can our babies be that old we think – and what have WE done!

    Seriously, you have achieved a lot – most of all getting to know yourself and who you are, and learning to accept that. (Just like my daughter who’s been on a similar, difficult, emotional journey – and who just wants it to be simple and easy.)

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Happy birthday!
    I had similar thoughts leading up to my birthday, but when I shared them with friends and family, I was constantly told that I had done much and that I’m still young and still have time to do whatever I want, to brighten my life if I see it as dark or just a little dim. The assurances helped and I realized that I’d glazed over some positive things and didn’t acknowledge the negative things I’d overcome. I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but it’s possible that you’ve done much too and not realize it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Happy birthday !!
    We all get pensive on our birthday Eve or new year’s Eve comparing our lives to others of our age so I feel for you but it happens to everyone. I turned 30 this February and I now give no fucks to what others think of me. It’s a more relaxed state in which you are at ease with yourself at the same time feel responsible for your life choices and try to change your lifestyle to a healthier one. Happy birthday once again dear !!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Belated birthday wishes .
    When many indulge themselves in celebrations on the occasion of their birthday, its a great thought that sparked your mind .Also your perceptions seems to be very clear,you are not confused.I think this itself is an achievement you made in 30 years of life when ppl don’t even have an idea of whats happening in their life.

    Liked by 1 person

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